Dr. Ruth Shares a Final Lesson After Her Death: How to Live Without Loneliness (Exclusive)

Mar. 15, 2025

Dr Ruth Westheimer and her new book.Photo:Michael Buckner/Variety/Penske Media via Getty; Penguin Random House

Michael Buckner/Variety/Penske Media via Getty; Penguin Random House

Dr. Ruth Westheimerknew how to make — and keep — a friend.

If you were lucky enough to sit down with Dr. Ruth, says author andNew York TimeswriterAllison Gilbert, she might have ended the conversation with a question: “When will I see you again?“Then, Westheimer would pull out her big monthly calendar and figure out a day and a time to reunite. That’s what happened to Gilbert when she first met Dr. Ruth for an interview in August 2023 — and that’s how Westheimer ended each meeting they had thereafter.

“It was an example to me of her secret sauce,” says Gilbert of the sex therapy guru, whodied in Julyat the age of 96. “It demonstrated that you can’t leave connections to chance — if you want to have a friendship, you need to make it a priority. When you were in her presence, she had the ability to make you feel that you were the most important person in her day.”

In the last several months of her life, Dr. Ruth was largely confined to her New York City apartment after suffering several strokes, but she wasdevoted to a projectto help others fight loneliness and find ways of connecting with the rest of the world.

From left: Allison Gilbert, Pierre Lehu and Dr. Ruth working on her new book.Courtesy Allison Gilbert

Courtesy Allison Gilbert

Westheimer became a pop culture icon as Dr. Ruth in the ’80s with her frank advice about sex and relationships on her radio, and later, television shows. “She had a remarkable ability to make people feel special, feel seen, feel heard, and feel valued,” Gilbert says.

Dr. Ruth in 1985 on the cover of PEOPLE.

“I think she had done almost everything she could do with sex,” says Lehu says. “She’d answered every question. And suddenly there was this announced epidemic of loneliness, and that was something she knew about very well from her own life.”

“She pieced together a chosen family after her own was wiped out in the Holocaust,” Gilbert says.

Dr. Ruth at age 10.Courtesy Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

Courtesy Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

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Westheimer rose to prominence as a no-nonsense advocate for healthy sexuality, removing the shame from talking about sex. She wanted to do the same thing for loneliness.

“At her heart, she was a teacher and wanted to impart this final lesson of inclusivity: no matter our differences, there’s no shame,” Gilbert says. “And we can talk about it with the same amount of openness that she talked about sex.”

Her new book is a guide to fighting loneliness, written as a series of action steps: “Throw Parties,” “Have Family Game Night,” “Bring a Prop.” “Think visually,” she writes.

“Put on a T-shirt with the name of your high school or college… Place a few stickers on your laptop… A carefully chosen prop can signal your interest and affiliations. Without saying a word, you’ve made it easier for like-minded individuals to initiate a conversation with you.”

Dr. Ruth with the cover of her book on March 21.Courtesy Allison Gilbert

Westheimer knew “small steps can lead to big changes,” Gilbert says. “If something felt too big and unwieldy, it would feel like something you can’t even begin to tackle.”

And Dr. Ruth’s own life was an example of how to make positive changes.

“She never accepted any excuses for herself, so she didn’t accept excuses for anybody else,” Lehu says. “The book is not someone BS-ing you. It’s somebody who had a very hard life, and yet she more than overcame it. I hope the reader says, ‘If Dr. Ruth could do this, this little 4-foot-7 person, I can do it too.’ "

One of Dr. Ruth’s recommendations has particular personal meaning: “Embrace Your Inner Turtle,” Westheimer writes.

Dr. Ruth’s turtle collection.Courtesy Allison Gilbert

“It’s a prized possession,” Gilbert says of the turtle gift she received. It is, she says, a reminder of her friend and of her brave and loving approach to life.

“She wanted people to take risks in order to live a bigger life. For her, a bigger life meant one full of real, meaningful relationships that can bring you joy and actually make you live longer. So even if it’s hard, even if we would prefer not to stick our necks out, even if it’s easier to stay home, she would urge us to keep pushing ourselves because the bigger life is outside the front door.”

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The Joy of Connectionsis available now wherever books are sold.

source: people.com